It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
