If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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