if only i could text you this smell
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
