I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
