just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
