gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
