Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
