Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
