Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
