i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
