I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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