where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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