one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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