God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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