i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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