I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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