so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
