Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
