i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize