dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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