I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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