There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
