Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Did I show you my penis last night?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
