matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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