YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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