You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Your topless pictures make me question reality
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
