this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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