People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
