Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
