dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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