i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Randomize
