i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
