New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
