You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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