i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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