i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
