Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
