That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
