2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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