I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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