Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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