you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
