why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
