Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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