"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
