wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
