he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
