I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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