She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
