I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
