I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
