He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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