there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
