He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
