Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
