Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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